Best I Ever Waste

If you track back to the past few years in this blog, you can make one conclusion when it comes to talking about Ramadan.

That it felt so quick that it left so soon, faster and faster every year.

Well I know it's just my subconscious mind talking, because time is constant. But I guess I should give in to the fact that it will always happen every year, because, I don't know, maybe I've matured enough that I now understand the true meaning of Ramadan, and that makes me enjoy every single second of that month? I don't know. What I know is that as years go by, it gets easier for me to go through the holy month, it gets clearer for me why we have to do fasting, and it the inside of me urges myself to do all the prayers that I tried so hard to deny doing as a kid.

That sounds like a good spiritual progress to me right?

Yea, right.

Internally, I may sound ready to face Ramadan every day. Externally, I feel like it's me against the world.

Because my works are crazy.

So crazy I didn't even have time to breathe. And everything seemed to pile up exactly this month. Lots of deliverables and deadlines, three shooting days and countless editings, countless proof-readings, countless meetings, I swear I gave a lot of time for these works. I only managed to do two tarawih's. I only got to break the fast with my family on the weekend. I did only two iftar reunions, one of which was even with my coworkers so I don't think I should count it...

I'm not trying to complain here because I love my jobs. It's my choice and I actually enjoy what I'm doing so if I'm blaming my jobs, it'll feel like I'm a two-faced heartless bytch trying to manipulate the situation and make it seem like I'm the vulnerable victim--so no, I'm not blaming my jobs.

I just want to express my... well how do I put this up? My grief?

My grief of how things didn't work out the way it's supposed to be ideally working. The grief of... why, just when I feel like I'm spiritually ready to face Ramadan with complete willingness, when I feel like I don't want to miss out more prayers in a day, when I feel like I'm in my BEST self... I couldn't do it, and WASTED the momentum instead?

If you track back to the past few years in this blog, you can make one other conclusion when it comes to talking about Ramadan.

That when it left so soon, it broke my heart.

This year it breaks even worse, because I know I wasted something that could easily be the best. Call me a saint, call me a pious or what not. But I've never felt so broken to be left by yet another Ramadan.

May Allah give me blessing this Eid.

And let me and my family say hi to Ramadan again.

Next time I'll try harder