I'm on the verge of doing something huge in my life.
Something I've never done before.
To resign from my current job, without having a new one.
I know, it sounds so crazy. Especially in this economy, in this crazy situation where looking for a job is not the easiest thing.
But I kinda already made up my mind. I already submitted my letter weeks ago, and it's just counting days until my last day and I'm officially unemployed. And now I'm in Bali, doing my huge side job which became my core excuse of resigning because this project could substitute two and a half month of my salary. A solid supplement to support my job hunting the next two months.
Sounds neat, eh?
Yeah but deep inside I'm still hesitating though. I'm still 50% sure.
Thinking whether it's a good call? Or it's just an impulsive action birthed by the disappointment of my management? Because to be honest, it's 50% true especially as my coworker sees me leaving as the act of "rage quit".
And what if the plan flops? What if after two months I haven't landed in any new jobs? And I have to use up my emergency saving which is originally to cover my mortgage? Not to mention for my own needs, and my family expenses?
As all those scenarios ran amok inside my head, while my fingers absently typed stories on the laptop keyboard... this catchy Japanese song by Official Hige Dandism played on my Spotify.
At first it was just a good song I put on my playlist this time, but as it got repeated time and time, it got me thinking, "what does this song mean?" and so I browsed the lyrics, which I didn't understand, and then searched the translated lyrics, and there I was, petrified upon the first encounter with the words.
It's not just a song.
It's an encouragement, to slow down. To not fall for the world's standard of perfection. To eventually think about yourself, let go of the burdens, stop giving 100%, and start settling at 50%.
Fuck.
How on earth could this song be here? Exactly when I'm having all these feelings, while standing on these uncertain crossroads.
競争の義務はない リングもコースもない
There's no obligation to compete, no ring, no racecourse.
It's weird that I always see something as competition. All the hustles I did all these years, which really, has been growing crazier lately, what are they for?? I punch air and kick shadows, while there's no ring. I run to be better than anyone else, while there's no racecourse. And guess what? Others don't care, apparently. They do things on their own pace so, really, what am I doing??
ってかきっと背負い込み過ぎていない？
でも下ろしたいわけじゃない？
自分の身体への問いかけを忘れてはいけない
But hey, aren't you carrying too much on your shoulders? And yet, it's not like you want to pull it all down, is it? Don't forget to check in with your body, it seems like it's the key.
I feel like stripped naked by their words. I did carry too much on my shoulders, the burden to make my parents happy, to be reliable among my colleagues, to live up to my own hopes and expectations, and yes I didn't have any plan to slow down but then at what price?
My own breath.
I didn't realize I've been running way too fast. I've always felt like I could, but it's only because I didn't listen to myself. Only after I listened to this song I realized that...
I fucking need to slow down. Not because I'm a loser, but because I need to take a breather so I can aim even better afterwards.
労って熱いハグで全体気をつけんで
休んで備えてここぞでだけで放って君の[100]％！！！
Take care of yourself with a warm hug and be careful. Rest and prepare, but only when it really matters, let go and give your 100%!!!
Even they had that in their song.
Damn you, Official Hige Dandism. I didn't know I was drawn to you for more than just your catchy tunes. You hid all these amazing meanings inside your works and delivered it spot on to one of your listeners just when he needed it the most, like a warm hug.
Thank you for the reminder.
I will rest and prepare for what's coming, whatever it is.
I will let go what's gone, take a breather, and go all out afterwards.
For now...
改めて今日から俺らは50%定位置で！
Let's settle at 50%
