Saturday, July 11, 2015

Body Full of Sins

"There’s no such thing as pure human.
As each and every single one of us
Are always under those deadly sins.”

Just today I realized how I am actually covered with negativity. It’s normal, nothing wrong with that. But when three out of seven deadly sins came right at you on the same damn day, still think you’re not an apprentice of evil?

You know I got a job already. It comes with good money, good side benefit, complimented with good bosses and co-workers. But I don’t know, I’m still on the stage where I can’t just stop looking for something else. Something new, and probably something better.

This morning there was this offer as an interpreter for joint exercise of Indonesian and American army. Okay. Being an interpreter sounds so~ interesting. But that’s not it. The job will be in the middle of the woods, keeping up with both armies doing their exercises to always bridge their communication! Shit man, in the middle OF THE WOODS! With ARMIES! Could it be any more interesting!? I really don’t care where in the world I’ll be placed—I’m with armed men, remember? Even tigers teaming up with apes and crocodiles can’t touch me.

But of course, I couldn’t take it. The joint exercise is next month, and by that time I’d only be working on my current job for four months only. Do you think I could just resign for that super-exciting-out-of-the-box-one-thing-I-never-think-I-would-ever-do offer? I wish I could.

But wait. If there’s one sin I’m greatly dying to get rid of, it’s envy. This brat has the worst effect on me. I don’t just envy people I know—I envy people I don’t even know, or ‘better’ yet, people far-far away that actually deserve to get what I envy them about.

So to distract about the army thing, I browsed news on the internet. About this young skinny singer whose overall figure looks a lot like me. One thing led to another, I ended up at his Wiki page, only to find out that he’s in a relationship with this musician I’VE LONG BEEN A FANBOY OF. I felt like a monster truck hit me in my chest. For normal people, this could be just so-so heartbreaking moment. For me with this irrational amount of jealousy, plus the fact that he looks like me makin me like "how the hell could he get it and I'm just here, browsing the internet about his life?" - I swear the first thing that came out of my mouth the next second I found out about this thing was: “I hope your relationship never works.”

But of course, I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s a life apart of mine, in a place afar of mine, and hey—it’s a celebrity universe and who am I? Do you think I could just fly up there, track where they are, ruin their relationship and build a good one for myself? I wish I could.

Things didn’t go emotionally better for me as by the end of the day, I had this big argument with a friend from abroad. Long story short –because believe me you don’t want to keep up with the drama, we had this smooth long-schemed plan we’ve been dreaming about for a year, and all of the sudden he was out of reach and ruined everything.

My wrath, is not like what you think of: exploding, violent, rude—no. My wrath is the one you don’t want to deal with: silent treatment. Think you can handle that? No, if it also comes with maneuvers that can stab you from the back, making you hurt even worse than when you hurt me from ruining my plans. However, no matter how hurt he ended up to be, eventually I was the one who suffered the most. Vengeance is sweet, for the first seconds. But guilt that comes after that, lasts forever.

And of course, I couldn’t change what has happened. I told him that I now have zero interest to keep on doing what we planned because in fact, with all these jobs I have now, I actually can’t. Do you think I could just travel back in time to forgive, let go of everything and enjoy smooth life as it was back then? Oh, I wish I could.

Huh. Human.
We just can’t get enough.
Body full of sins, secrets, selfishness.

“There’s no such thing as pure human.
As each and every single one of us
Are always under those deadly sins.”

Which in my case,
I think I have seven…ty

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